how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
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me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
The smoothest fall of all time
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
No chill.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.