Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
You Might Also Like
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
[eulogy]
line?
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Realize this:
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am