I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
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FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway