V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
You Might Also Like
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend