can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
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damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?