I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
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“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
marvel comics have peaked
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
My rock bottom keeps refreshing
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
i baked you a cake
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.