God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
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Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
I WON A HAM TODAY
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
2022: I can fix it
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.