I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
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The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there