Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
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Oh yeh? Explain this then
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.