Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
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“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”