Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
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My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?