My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
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Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.