Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
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Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me: