“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
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VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
Found my door mat
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.