God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
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Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Succinctly put.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
How animals would run if they were human
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.