[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
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Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.