Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
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gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.