4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
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Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
My beach vacation Google searches
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.