me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
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The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
this will hang in the louvre one day
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..