If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
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u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
I came this close!!!!
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.