carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
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My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
DOOO EEEET
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.