I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
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wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.