My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
You Might Also Like
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.