[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
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We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
Best seat on the street 😍
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.