Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
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Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
*looks at you in batman voice*
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito