There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
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*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed