I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
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Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Weighing up my bread heating options
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Fries, not lies.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.