First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
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HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on