[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
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I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
So glad we cleared that up
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.