In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
You Might Also Like
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
You look like you would fail a DNA test
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often