When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
You Might Also Like
an octopus is just a wet spider
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again