College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
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It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else