Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
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People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.