Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
You Might Also Like
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.