Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
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mentally somewhere in italy
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it