HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
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<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
starting a garage orchestra
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
idk what he going thru but i feel him
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”