Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
You Might Also Like
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t