“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
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Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.