doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
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My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again