[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
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Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Schrödinger’s cookie
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.