There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
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Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat