i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
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Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
they should invent a rest for the wicked
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
me refusing to leave twitter