My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
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[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ