“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
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Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
they split up moments later
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…