My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
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dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
I need a headline like this
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.