Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
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[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
🤔😂😂
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Two types of dogs.
My inexpensive home security system…
forgive me baja for i have blast
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.