Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
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Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.