Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
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another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
(Electricians.)
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.