doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
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Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
How do you like your Corgi?
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.