There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
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Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.